Chiefs Kingdom hosts Super Bowl LIX with Be Humble Shake It Off and Fly Eagles Fly
My Kelce cereal mix, squares in it, chicken wings everywhere!, a bucket of nachos dancing around to APT by Rosé & Bruno Mars, and some purple Gatorade in my handbag — all wrapped up like little jewels
I’m sure Kendrick Lamar’s crew will be in the limelight with Trump ‘SS ecret Service during halftime
It’s unlikely that the Super Bowl will happen this year, but it has already been a chaotic year
Chiefs vs. Eagles. Again. Despite the widespread belief that no one can triumph, I prefer to view it in a certain way::
Why the Eagles Win
Vic Fangio had a two-week window to prepare. The Eagles ‘defensive coordinator, who is one of the best in the game, will have enough time to make matters awkward for Mahomes
The Chiefs are unable to prevent Saquon Barkley from happening. Barkley’s efforts, if they are successful, will allow the Eagles to take charge, weaken the defense, and prevent Mahomes from being on the field. That’s the recipe for winning against Kansas City
Jalen Hurts won’t have to do it all over again. Hurts won’t be required to force any throws if the Eagles commit to running the ball. The Chiefs will face a problem in Kansas City if the Eagles fail to defeat themselves
The Chiefs’ offense has not been as bad as it used to be. Despite being still Mahomes, his weapons are not up to par, and the Eagles ‘pass rush will have to contend with its presence on the offensive line
Final prediction: Eagles win. Please refrain from destroying anything that holds significance for Philly fans.)
The Impossible 3-Peat and Pat Riley’s unjustified royalties are a joint venture
The NFL has never been able to secure three consecutive Super Bowl titles
Not the 70s Steelers. Not the 80s 49ers. The 90s Cowboys and 2000s Patriots are not present in the current era. Nobody
The closest?
The Packers achieved three consecutive NFL championships from 1965-67, but the first one took place before the Super Bowl
Although the Dolphins (1971–73), Steelers (1974–76), and Patriots (2001–03,2016–18) won back-to-back titles, they were unable to secure the third consecutive title
Even though he lost the game to the Bulls due to Hue Hollins and a phantom foul, Pat Riley created the term “3-Peater” and trademarked it. ”
That’s right. The man has been collecting royalties since the late ‘80s, when his Lakers tried (and failed) to win three in a row. The Bulls did it twice, the Lakers finally pulled it off in 2000–02, and every time a team gets close? Riley gets paid
The Chiefs winning means NFL history. But it also means more money for Pat Riley. And as a lifelong Bulls fan, that’s just unacceptable
The Only Super Bowl Bets That Matter
Prop Bets Worth Your Time
✅ Gatorade Color: Orange (+250). Safe. Reliable. Doesn’t stain
✅ Taylor Swift Screentime: Over 6.5 times. Easiest bet of the night
✅ Travis Kelce Proposal: +700. If the Chiefs win, start filming
✅ Kendrick Lamar First Song: “HUMBLE. ” (+150). If Vegas likes it, I like it
✅ Drake Diss? Yes (-2200). This isn’t even a debate
✅ Number of people posting racist takes about Kendrick? More than there should be
✅ Trump on screen? First quarter is the safest bet, but if the Chiefs are losing, expect an emergency appearance
The Real Super Bowl: The Commercials
A 30-second ad costs $7 million this year, so let’s hope they don’t suck. Here’s what we know:
Confirmed Super Bowl Commercials
🎤 Ben Affleck & Dunkin’ — The “DunKings” boyband ad featuring Casey Affleck and Jeremy Strong
🥪 Hellmann’s — Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal recreating When Harry Met Sally with Sydney Sweeney
🎾 Michelob ULTRA — Catherine O’Hara and Willem Dafoe as undercover tennis players
🚗 Häagen-Dazs — Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriguez doing Fast & Furious things, but for ice cream
🥔 Doritos — No details yet, but they rarely miss
🍺 Stella Artois — David Beckham and Matt Damon as twin brothers
Newcomers Making Their Super Bowl Debut
🛒 Instacart — Featuring the Old Spice Guy, the Pillsbury Doughboy, and HEIN ZW iener Dogs
💻 GoDaddy — Featuring Walton Goggins and AI hype
The Wildcards
🐴 Barry Keoghan & a donkey for Squarespace. (I have questions.)
🌮 Taco Bell’s return. Something about “Live Más Drive-Thru Cams. ”
Predict the age-old gloom, artificial intelligence, and at least one commercial that will make you cry over a dog
At a party, you can Repeat the Super Bowl Stats
Super Bowl Sunday is the second most popular eating day of the year. (Thanksgiving still wins.)
🍗 1. The total number of chicken wings eaten is 4 billion. Could complete a round trip around the Earth three times
💰 $1. There are 39 billion dollars in legal betting, and the number of illegal bets is unknown by God. That includes your squares
The cost of a 30-second commercial has reached $7 million. It was $40,000 in 1967.
The price of Super Bowl tickets used to be $12. A nosebleed seat is available for $6,875.
The Last Words (Before I’m Proven Wrong)
Another Super Bowl where:
Half of the viewers are tuning in to Taylor Swift
The other half is displeased with Kendrick Lamar
Individuals feign expertise after winning a coin flip wager
Trump’s use of Truth Social is aimed at intimidating individuals
Is it possible that I am mistaken?
Is it possible for me to pretend to be a complete stranger?
Take pleasure in the game, make informed bets, and have confidence that your dip-to-chip ratio will remain favorable
